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Sunday, April 6, 2014

A Royal Welcome for Bill, K8 and Geordy


It’s been a hell of a morning at KJ-WNZ. We are all running flat-tack and topping the slurry sump trying to cover the Royal Tour. I even put some retreads on our veteran reporter Six o’clock O’Reilly, as he has a knack for bar-room gossip and leaks. Last I heard, he told me that he had a lead [from a fellow former Grub Street journo] that the Prince’s Equerry was expected to hang out at the Kilbirnie Tavern after the entourage’s plane had landed. He promised to follow this up.
Both the plane and Six o’clock have disappeared in Wellington’s Fog, and his ‘black box’ remains unanswered.

Still we have some of our No 1’s on the job, Gen-X’s photographer Bryce ‘Red’ Snapper and chief reporter Chips ‘Hacker’ Woodward – backed up by two of our top spot Gen-Y Bug Readers in the Eastern Suburbs, Hemi and Jackie. Unfortunately, Hacker has made it a matter of honour to score with the Duchess’ Maids of Honour and Red recently confessed to an alarming stalker crush on the Prince. What’s worse, Hemi and Jackie have absolutely no idea who the Royals are.
I’m still hoping for the best – with our backer PNI [Possum News] having lashed out big on some prezzies for William, Kate, Baby George and other members of the Royal Family. We see the visit as a way of putting ‘By appointment to ...’ on our own particular brand of information chutney with a view to boosting sales through the magazine shelves of the supermarkets of the Slough-Windsor-Swindon-Chipping Norton rectangle.

In collaboration with our manufacturing arm Ten Eighty Possum in Eketahuna, we have come up with suitable prezzies for Prince Harry [a pair of purple, ermine-trimmed Knock-ur-Sox designed to help him select the perfect mate] and Baby George [a Huggie-pouched ‘Corgigator’ specially designed by 1080P’s inventor and mechanic Ted Dargaville that zaps corgis as soon as they get within slobbering distance].
At great expense, we developed a unique one-man Buzzy Bee lateral thrust helicopter for Prince William which is propelled by rotating offset paddle wings. Currently though this remains a ‘view only’ item, as we have been unable to obtain a ‘flight worthy’ certificate and the initial prototypes developed a tendency to ‘dance’ on the runway tarmac.

As for the Duchess, we thought long and hard. A tongue-restrainer prototype by 1080P was considered but ultimately rejected as unfeminine – as was a smile-unfreezer. Finally Freya, our Fashion Editor hosed down all the alternative stock trucks, drawing on the Wearable Arts Show for inspiration. Our gift is a complete ensemble that represents our nation.
It consists of the inevitable ‘Little Black Dress’, embellished with beading, sequins, stuffed toys and 'Frighteners' zombie schlock. It is accompanied by a fawn pleather jacket riffed with simulated No 8 Fencing Wire, a matching ‘Gallipoli’ webbing ammunition belt trailing a greenstone mere on a lanyard - set off by a haggis-skin bogle. 1080P has chipped in with some serious heels that clackety-clack every time the wearer is kissed by a prince and which have inbuilt locator beacons to ensure that they are never completely lost after being left behind on the stairs when midnight strikes.


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