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Monday, March 24, 2014

'McPigmet' to Get the Bird in Dundee


News that Hollywood A-List Hollywood Celebrities ‘Kermit’ and Miss Piggy, have hopped and trottered into the Scottish Independence Debate, with a ‘Non’ny-No and a ‘Moi’, has re-opened one of Tinsel Town’s longest running family feuds. Scion of the clan, Pigmet, the star of Angry Birds, has raised his dirk in a no fingers - no thumbs salute to show his displeasure at the views of his parents.
Readers will remember that Pigmet became especially estranged from his mother ‘Miss’ Piggy over a ‘Who Do You think You Are’ exposé that uncovered her less than illustrious ancestry:

‘According to her promotional literature Pigmet’s mother was born 'Piggy' [Pigathia = River of Passion] Lee, the daughter of Danish immigrants to Iowa [family name formerly Landrace, tracing ancestry to King Sweyn III].

‘Following a visit to Pork Farms, Iowa, where he trawled through the records, Pigmet was able to establish that his mother’s embellishments of her family bloodline could not be supported. It seems that she had been telling porkies.
‘Rather, the evidence confirms that she was the illegitimate daughter of Polk County town drunk Oval T. Spamroll and trailer-trash, anyone’s dumpling, Evangeline O’Peccary. However, tracing these lines back further, Pigmet is able to prove that Oval was a direct descendant of Civil War General Oddball T. Spamroll and that his grandmother’s father ‘Bristly’ O’Peccary was in fact consumed at the behest of Sam-I-Am, by a member of the notorious Cat in the Hat Gang’.

In the light of this, and his Republican and Scottish sympathies, Pigmet was reportedly enraged to learn that his mother has set her sights on either replacing Queen Elizabeth as the monarch of the United Kingdom or becoming the Queen of his beloved Scotland.
Further work by genealogists has confirmed that, like his hero ‘The King’ Elvis Presley, Pigmet shares Scottish as well as Anuran ancestry. It seems that Oddball T. Spamroll was the direct descendant of Oisin Tavish Spamroll of that Flitch, the ancient Clan Chieftain of the McPorkadales of Stye of which the Spamrolls are a sept.

Apparently Pigmet has now committed to a demonstration of levitating in a show of national solidarity with micro-gravity manipulating Yes-Yin Alex Salmond.
As both the McPorkadales and the Spamrolls share the motto: ‘Null ornis tutus in undis est’ [No Bird is safe in the Breeze] and a mutual clan animosity still burns with the Birds, it appears that the British taxpayer will be making an outlay for special security when Pigmet attends the forthcoming Hop set for 4th July at the Dundee Trades Hall and Hog Mart.

Worryingly, Pigmet seems unaware that the Salmonds and the Birds share a long history of clan affinity; collaborative rieving and thieving; bushy and tooth-brush eye brows; and pathological antipathy towards the McPorkadales and the Spamrolls

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