LA CONDITION HUMAINE
It is raining and blowing heaven’s hard and the kids are back at school so I am having a bored housewife day lolling on the couch in my slacks and pumps, leafing through the glossy mags and gossip rags, while watching sitcoms and eating Oreos dipped in cherry brandy [or the non-metaphorical equivalent].
And this reminds me that I have not received a response to the question that I posted on Oprah Winfrey’s ‘Best Ask Val’ online column. The question was:
‘Dear Val
‘Every time I do the family shopping and I get to the hair-care shelves in the supermarket, I get confused. As a late middle-aged male Surrogate Yummy Mummy with fading near-sight and a ‘bang it in the trolley cart and let’s move on’ mentality, I am constantly blind-sided by the fact that paired shampoo and hair conditioner bottles are almost identical and that the lettering that distinguishes them is tiny.
‘This means that I inevitably get home to find that I have bought yet another bottle of conditioner and no shampoo. Is there a world surplus of hair conditioner which explains why the producers use minute labels to confuse male shoppers and thereby move the excess conditioner off the shelves?’
How say you Oprah and Val?
However, I have been doing some research and, for a time, I thought that I had it sussed – the conditioner containers were always upside down – but 'split ends and tangles' I have found pairs where this is reversed.
Ever resourceful though, I have tracked down 21 Ways to Use Excess Conditioner:
1. DIY dry clean your silk clothing.
2. Wash lingerie and other delicates.
3. Protect leather shoes from snow and salt.
4. Remove eye makeup.
5. Soften makeup and paint brushes.
6. Use as cuticle cream.
7. Tame static-y hair.
8. Smooth hair frizzies.
9. Detangle.
10. Freshen fabrics.
11. Soften clothes and other linens.
12. Attempt to rescue a shrunken sweater.
13. Prevent tools from rusting.
14. Unclog drains.
15. Inject moisturizer in your bathwater.
16. Shine stainless steel.
17. Remove stuck rings.
18. Painlessly(ish) remove a bandage.
19. Silence various squeaks.
20. Loosen sticky zippers.
21. Lastly, use as shaving cream.
So Stay-at-Home Dads, stop lolling if you are reading this and get out there and use some of that spare conditioner to rust-proof your tools, shine up some stainless steel, silence some squeaks and unclog the drains.
Getting back to my original question, it seems that there are all kinds of conditioners that differ in composition and functionality. They can be moisturizers, reconstructors, acidifiers, acidity regulators, detanglers, thermal protectors, glossers, oilers, surfactants, lubricants, sequestrants, and antistatic agents.
As I have never ever used them for anything over a fairly long-life, I am totally bewildered at what I am missing.
And, given the variety of uses and origins of conditioners, it seems hard to believe that my theory about the dumping of a particular surplus chemical or chemical waste product has high explanatory power.
The answer I think is the reality that women actually like bending down or reaching up to read the fine print.
That said, my online reading has given me a whole new insight into the shampoo and conditioner business, and the importance of a case appropriate approach:
IDEAL FOR FIREMEN
Styling your hair shouldn't involve sizzling it like a fajita. Nexxus Pro-Mend Heat Protexx Heat Protection Styling Spray insulates hair from temperatures as high as 450 degrees.
THE CHARLES ATLAS SPECIAL
Pantene Triple Action Volume Mousse for Fine Hair thickens wimpy strands all over, not just at the roots.
FOR THE GYM BUNNY
With Living Proof No Frizz Straight Making Styling Cream, you don't need epic biceps to flatten hair—a light non-silicone molecule reduces blow-drying time and repels humidity.
FOR THE MANIC
Ultra-moisturizing Bumble and Bumble Curl Conscious Calming Creme creates buoyant curls with no halo of frizz (or crunch).
FOR THE RELUCTANT S&M PARTICIPANT
Fekkai Coiff Contrôle Ironless Straightening Balm abolishes every kink - creates piecey-ness, not sticky spikes.
FOR THE OVEREATING AUSSIE BRUNETTE
Klorane Gentle Dry Shampoo With Oat Milk absorbs oil and breathes new life into a day-old blowout. Note to brunettes: It won't turn roots ashy.
FOR THE FLAKEY MAGICIAN
L'Oréal Professionnel Texture Expert Infinium 2 Regular Hold Working Spray is budge-proof—until you brush through it. Then it makes itself scarce (meaning no telltale flakes).
AFTER A 3-DAY STRAIGHT
For longer-lasting results, John Frieda Frizz-Ease 3-Day Straight Semi-Permanent Styling Spray does precisely what it promises.
No comments:
Post a Comment